Excuse this somewhat self-indulgent post. I’ve been looking at myself, and I guess I choose Xanga to be the outlet for my thoughts this time.
I wonder about this about as often as it happens…
I’ll have these powerful hopes now and then. Actually they seem more like visions. Once in a while, I’ll wake up from my usual model of reality and find myself in this state of mind that God is so big and so great and so loving that He’s directing me to a certain blessing… but I have no physical or even logical proof. Usually… sadly… these times also come with little faith, just a dim hope. It’s like God says “Okay Adam, this is yours if you want to take it.”, to which I respond “Yeah, okay…whatever happens…”
I seem to wrestle with my thoughts until I miss the moment I was to make my move, if there was even a move to be made. Such thoughts as: “How do I know this is You Lord? Where did this hope come from otherwise? What can I do if this is right anyway? I’m afraid this is just me changing my desires into something of a religious or divine nature. Who am I to expect any more blessing? I am satisfied with my life in You (Lord), but I’m not about to refuse to take anything else that You have for me.”
I’m so frustrated with myself for my passivity and my lack of commitment to my own desires. I would have just lived with my parents and had no friends or job or anything for the rest of my life if it wasn’t for the boredom and the blessing of a life full of problems. I’ve always been an optimist… maybe a little too extreme at that. “I’m happy, so why should I change things just because my stupid mind tells my even-stupider-body to do so?” …Not to mention the hastle of fighting other people just to achieve a deeper feeling of satisfaction.
Arg… what kind of motivation will it take to keep me from crawling into a cave alone with God for rest of my life? Well, obviously my love for ministry (and for love itself) will keep me out of the cave… but I don’t know if it will keep me out of the “cave”… the “cave-cave”. You know… the “cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cave-cavee”. Heheh, I’m retarded. Okay, I’m done thinking about myself for now. It’s never worth it.
I can’t put my words as eloquently as Oswald Chambers…
We may have the vision of God and a very clear understanding of what God wants, and we start to do the thing, then comes something equivalent to 40 years in the wilderness, as if God had ignored the whole thing, and when we are thoroughly discoraged God comes back and revives the call, and we get the quaver in and say – “Oh, who am I?” We have to learn that our individual effort for God is an impertinence; our individuality is to be rendered incandescent by a personal relationship with God (see Matt. 3:17). We fix on the individual aspect of things; we have the vision – “This is what God wants me to do”; but we have not got into God’s stride. If you are going through a time of discouragement, there is a big personal enlargement ahead.
Keep praying~! I will pray for you as well… JESUS LOVES YOU! : wink :
Thanks Connie. You’re awesome!
Ya know I’ve often been in the same situation. I feel like God is teaching me with all of it is that I just need to follow Him step-by-step, relying on Him for every thing and every decision. It takes a lot of prayer though to discern what is from Him and what is not.
P.S. is that your song playing in the background? Its beautiful. 🙂
Yeah… I see what you’re saying Jess. I guess it’s always just one day at a time. Yep, it’s my song. Thanks : wink :